From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
