did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
