My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
