My liver just broke up with me...
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
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