Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
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8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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