you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
