I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I could have mohawked her pubes.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
