Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I still have a little drunk in my system
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
