Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
