Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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