i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
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