It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
