i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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