Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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