i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
