Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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