Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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