I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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