before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
