if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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