shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
