Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
