Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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