My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
