Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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