Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
