You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
