I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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