I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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