The maid of honor just puked.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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