dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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