some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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