I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
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He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
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I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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