This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
