I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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