Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
