1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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