it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
