Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
