the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
