Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
