The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
