What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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