he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
