One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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