I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
How external is "for external use only"?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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