He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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