You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
