Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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