Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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