I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
