Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize