so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
