You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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