Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
