i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I love having hate sex.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
