i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
